It was just last week but I already miss the place.

Saying Goodbye

So much time has gone since my last post. I simply have forgotten how it is to write or to blog anymore. I've been on a reblog mode for most of my tumblr life, while with blogger, I've written just a few. And with that, I'm not really sure if this blog is still worth keeping. I don't know why I have felt for quite a time now, withdrawn from this blog, as if I'm seeing a friend from a long time ago and momentarily, just fondly remembering her. Well, this blog was about me, but so much less of what I have really felt and experienced. I've never really captured what my heart and mind ached for and longed for. All my fault though- too afraid to write, too critic for my own good.

This is then my goodbye to a blog I've treasured for six years. I will still be a lurker of the blogs I've linked here. Forever the reader. I'm better off that way I guess, reading and scrumptiously gulping exciting things that are happening to other people's lives. But then again, you'll never know, I might create a secret blog. Or maybe not. But cheers for the one I'm letting go- meteor catcher.

I Seek You For I Thirst

by Bukas Palad

Though many times I run from you in shame,
I lift my hands and call upon Your name
for underneath the shadow of Your wings
my melody is You.

Oh Lord I seek You for I thirst
Your mercy is the rain on the desert of my soul.

Oh Lord I raise my lifeless eyes
And see Your glory shine, how your kindness overflows.

Oh Lord Your sanctuary calls
I yearn to be with You in the rivers of Your love.

Though many times I run from you in shame
I lift my hands and call upon Your name,
for underneath the shadow of Your wings
My melody is You.

Tumblr Addict

This has taken over me. I have indulged and have possibly gotten a tumblr overdose for the past months. It magically worked (and still does!) wonders for me though, I must admit! It has kept me reflective, sensitive, inspired and hopeful of the things that touch the human spirit the most- life, love, God, relationships. It's amazing! I realize that we, regardless of our race, age or social status, have treasured almost the same sentiments about life in general. That's why when my mind can't capture what my heart feels, I'll be sure to find it blogged in tumblr by someone in the US, Singapore or Korea or in any part of the world! So, I end up reblogging what I can never put into words. Yes, I'm a self-confessed reblogger and I'm loving it! :)

While I'm busy with tumblr-ing, I am, in a way, forgetting how sad life can be sometimes. Trapped in my comfort zone, missing the bridal gene, perpetually lost and tired of putting and missing expiration dates, I feel like a damsel in distress with no one to rescue me. But words, pictures, songs and art, can be effective nurse to sad souls, you see.

It is not really hard for me to be compassionate about the people I meet or I am with. Because of all the virtues in the world, I have the most affinity with compassion. And I brag about it because it's true. I cry like I'm the one hurt when my broken-hearted friends sulk about love. I secretly weep when I pass beggars on the street. I join various causes to help & I cry a gazillion sobs every time I watch "Wish Ko Lang" for chrissakes! So, wonder where this late rant is leading to?

Well, here: If you want me to feel for you, then have the decency to tell me your story & not insult me (a compassionate-listener-fool), by commenting, "Oh no! I don't wanna end up like you". THAT has got to be the worst insult I've ever received, thank you very much! I was giving you the best advice I could think of only to be insulted in that way- you, in front of me, smiling, tackless while I staggered & grasped the reality of what I just heard. Incredible, you're effing incredible! I had to fight my sleeping bitch self to just laugh it all off. Ugh.

Thank God, it was my good-girl complex day. Otherwise, you'll see how a real bitch can be.

I am perpetually postponing every possible blogging opportunities I have in exchange for a new found love- tumblr! For almost 2 months now, I have never let a day pass without posting and reblogging cool pictures, music, videos, texts and of course, quotes, most especially quotes. I plead guilty of addiction ;)

Tumblr resembles an online scrapbook, where art is raved, almost always. I first came across a tumblr from julia and tere and overflowing. And it was all very pretty, arty and inspirational! And I love it so much I decided to create my own too. Check it out! Enjoy!

The signs of times are rushing in. I don't think I have seen our company grapple with any form of failure in almost 5 1/2 years I have stayed with them. I am part of a company that grew immensely over those period and I take pride in that.

Last May 2008, I applied for a lateral promotion and got in. I had to say goodbye to the once fun and entertaining duty of answering calls because it finally got me worn-out. The promotion was one of the best things I got for the past year.

So armed with a renewed energy to work, I was excited to learn new things and be a part again of our company's growth. In fact, I *secretly* think I have the coolest job. We answer queries, sensible or not, in the most creative and accurate way we can. Customers send us their queries via text. So the entire day we are googlers, surfing the net for answers. I can post some questions that are funny, hilarious and way too fun to answer- hopefully, in another post.

Fast forward to now. Due to a very poor planning mishap, about 3/4 of the those who are taking SMS/text were transferred back to voice account. It was a contingency plan supposedly to veer the company from the worst possible scenario- laying off workers. Luckily, I was spared, along with my 2 best buds. They had our 3 months worth of performance and stats as a basis for the rankings. It was sheer luck- on the part that they included only the last quarter of 2008 ( which, thank God, I aced in accuracy) & not the 3rd quarter (which sucks).

All I can say now is that I am one lucky girl! However I still can't hide how upset & saddened I am for the rest who went back to take voice calls. I feel for them. Duties & responsibilities are still quite easy & petiks (compared to other call centers) & their pay is pretty much the same as ours, but it can't equal the 'coolness' of surfing the net for answers to send to callers. :(

oh, well.

Another blessing for me and I am again, grateful.

I feel that I have done my best to end 2008 and start 2009 right. Before the year ended, i have amazingly made hard & responsible choices and i couldn't be prouder of myself! nakahabol din naman. And while 2008 ended on a good note, i made sure 2009 started even better- with bolder dreams & non-negotiable resolutions.

2008 has been a great year for me. If anything, it was a year of acceptance- acceptance of things past and acceptance of reality. It was not easy, especially when people special to me have fallen short of my expectations or my meaning of a friend, family or colleague. The worse kind though, was falling short of what I meant myself to be- spiritually, physically, emotionally & socially. But it was the word of the year for me, "accept".

Slowly, I am learning the positive effects of accepting life's realities- harsh or otherwise. I think, more than anything else, it helped me become happier. It's a religion of entrusting to God what you have no control of and a hope that it shall become better. And that new found philosophy did lovely wonders for me.

I'm keeping count of dreams & resolutions I'm willing to work hard for this 2009. I want so much to believe that it's not too late to dream big because for the rare times of my life, I am wanting something so much now, so purely. And while I know I can't call it a passion yet, I am positive that in time, and God willing, it'll be.


credits to http://ffffound.com for the pix

quote of the day- new year's day

“In the end, we only regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were scared to have and the decisions we waited too long to make. There comes a time in your life when you realize who matters, who doesn’t, who never did and who always will. So don’t worry about the people from your past there’s a reason they didn’t make it to your future.”

"Everybody wants to be found."

- Lost in Translation

Recently, Christopher Cross, one of my favorite artists came to the country for a concert. Unfortunately, desires of going were lost when challenged with the prevailing budget-pocket-oh-why-do-i-have-to-be-poor-crunch. :( Too bad though because i really, really adore his ballads- "Swept Away", "Think of Laura", "I Will Take You Forever", "Is There Something", "Sailing", "Arthur's Theme". I was dreaming of being one of his audience, singing along as he sings music close to my heart, music that had me 'falling' with the idea of falling in love. I was nuts that way and well, I still am (I think). His songs have this wonderful soothing, melodious & dreamlike quality in them, which perfectly fits his light and luminous voice. Hay..

Wishlist #50- delayed! (Positivity is taking over! Who says I can't go to his next concert, right?!)

And for the meantime, I'll post lyrics from my favorite song of his, "Swept Away".

..And so it begins
This journey of love
The summer wind carries us to places all our own
The words of a look
The language of touch
The way that you want me means so much
And I never wanted anything more than to love you


I was swept away
No one in the world but you and I
Gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do
I was swept away
Without a warning
Like night when the morning begins the day
I was swept away

I hope I wake up soon
I'm a victim of that crazy moon

bright as yellow

Big Fish

Bright As Yellow

by Innocence Mission

And I do not want to be a rose.
I do not wish to be pale pink,
but flower scarlet, flower gold.
And have no thorns to distance me,
but be bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

ate aileen

living with a father who goes abroad to work should prepare me more of my sister's leaving. but it does not. the truth is i'm so sad, everytime i remember she'll leave in a few days, i instantly hold back bucket of tears (or a dam for that matter) and gasp to breathe like one big santol seed is stuck in my throat, choking me. my sister, ate aileen, hasn't left yet but i already miss her.

she knows it. in fact, whenever we talk and i begin to worry and say, "aalis ka na, naku! " (oh no, you're leaving!), she sees me make a complete idiot of myself- twisted face, pouting, ugly mouth holding back gazillion sobs. she then looks mad, "ANGIE, please!!!" (the 3 exclamation marks showing her disappointment & frustration at me, for crying like a 5 year old girl).

she has decided to be the bold, brave one- applying for a job in a hospital in the far, far country of Saudi Arabia where culture is deeply Islamic, where women wear hijab (a veil used to cover the body), where there are deserts and sandstorms, and mosques galore, where there are zero family & friends (yet). i wish i am like her- risking, sacrificing, heroic in some way. Had she not thought of her son's future, she would have willingly preferred to stay, just like my dad and all other overseas filipino workers.

in a few days, she'll be thousands of miles away from us. i'll miss our kulitan, our frequent arguments (yup!), her nagging, her almost delicious pansit, chopsuey, adobo and barbecue (ha ha!), her constant striving to beat me in cooking pasta and losing at that(sorry sis!). Of course!

i'll miss her taking care of her son, miggy.

i'll miss seeing her do miggy's projects, getting no less than excellent marks, her artistic tendencies showing.

i'll miss her driving our car- our out-of-town trips. i'll miss her pointing out trees when driving on highways (angie, santol/mangga/kape, o! ang dami bunga!)

i'll miss her stories of korean telenovelas. her nursing of crushes (wu chun, dao and the likes). her collection of korean & chinese flicks (gazillions!), piling inside her drawers.

i don't know which is harder though, leaving or being left behind. and yup, i'm considering myself a part of the olds but lately i have a feeling that i still am a wimp on most things, like this, like saying goodbyes. hay.

“ It is clearly not the journey for everyone. People succeed in as many ways as there are people. Some can be completely fulfilled with destinations that are much closer to home and more comfortable. But if you long to keep going, then I hope you are able to follow my lead to the places I have gone. To within a whisper of your own personal perfection. To places that are sweeter because you worked so hard to arrive there. To places at the very edge of your dreams."

- Ben Johnson

I may not be different, but I’m definitely not the same.

..William J. Dybus

Hesus Ng Aking Buhay

Hesus Ng Aking Buhay
by Arnel Aquino, SJ

Sikat ng umaga
Buhos ng ulan
Simoy ng dapithapon
Sinag ng buwan
Batis na malinaw
Dagat na bughaw
Gayon ang Panginoon kong
Hesus ng aking buhay

Saan man ako bumaling
Ika’y naroon
Tumalikod man sa ‘yo
Dakilang pag-ibig mo
Sa aki’y tatawag at magpapaalalang
Ako’y iyong iniibig
At siyang itatapat sa puso

Tinig ng kaibigan
Oyayi ng ina
Pag-asa ng ulila
Bisig ng dukha
Ilaw ng may takot
Ginhawa ng aba
Gayon ang Panginoon kong
Hesus ng aking buhay

Saan man ako bumaling
Ika’y naroon
Tumalikod man sa ‘yo
Dakilang pag-ibig mo
Sa aki’y tatawag at magpapaalalang
Ako’y iyong iniibig
At siyang itatapat sa puso

pals

it's been months. every time, i see myself battling between sitting & blogging my life away or just ignoring the urge to do so. the latter always wins obviously, of course, till now. so what changed my mind today, this night, this very minute? *sigh* in all honesty and directness, the sad thoughts- those freaking sudden realizations that's making the life of me unsettling and huffy, this one particular nagging feeling i've been ignoring and denying for a long time. ( now im hating blogging because in a way, i am putting things in perspective i am seeing things a lot clearer and those deeply held emotions are prone to better understanding for such a denying mind, like mine. and it's not looking good. tsk, tsk.)

denying, denial, deny. i wish for the day when i will stop feeling a need to deny what i see or feel or sense. i hope for the day that when things droop that way, I will, for the life of me, not care, not a single bit at all. and i wish i am not eaten up by stupidities for accusing friends of crimes when i only have a feeling they did it. but everyday proves my suspicion. i wish i am resigned- to have that feeling of acceptance so i won't be bothered anymore because in fact, it's tiring.

Love Poem no. 3

"love if anything is fleeting.."

Love Poem no. 3

by Bittergrace

What shall I call you?
I wouldn’t know.

We are neither who we were
Nor who we were supposed to be
Our lives have stretched out
In different paths,
Sometimes even parallel
Except–
When it brings me back to you.

Never mind.

Love, if anything, is fleeting
It comes like a storm
And one stands in its eye
Unknowing, unflinching, unable
To refuse it.
Neither were we ready
Nor spared for its force
It brought us together
And ripped us further apart
Than we already were.

You know,
I don’t even know
Your favorite color.
I never asked.

crappy days

there are days when i feel like im losing it. everything or should i say everyone is crap. you go to work and the very first person you talked to has just embarked on a mile-long rant about the super- duper- hot- the-sun-is-the-culprit weather, the forever hanging PCs in the office, the weekly failing QAs and flunking team ranks and all negativity about each and every person in the whole wide universe! now you know the names she baptizes people behind their backs - the gold digger, the oldie, the smarty-smart, the bitch, the miserables and so on and so forth. whew! at the end of those first-person-I-encounter-in-the-office moment, i feel like i've been robbed off the beauty the day and the world has to offer me.

and my shift hasn't even started yet. imagine!

forgive me but im just human. ergo, i falter. even if i try not to care, it just gets into me sometimes. worse, i have this annoying fantasy of telling her to just "shut up" while she talks and bashes people. actually, last week, i had the guts to tell her that the people she speaks ill about don't even know she feels that way about them. and so, they're happier. she was silent for a moment and asked me, "masaya nga ba talaga sila?" it sounded like a rhetorical question but what the heck, i answered "yes".

this type of evil conversations, combined with unexpected accidents like spilling sweet and sour sauce all over my sleeves by someone and friends pinpointedly telling me why am i like this or like that, made me feel so crappy, i snapped out. on a friend i love dearly. angie turned bitchy. goodness! i felt my friends faces twitched into, "where the heck did that come from!". if i'm living in some foreign first world country, i might have been a good patient for anger management. but hey, even the nicest person (ahem!) can be a bitch when she’s had enough.

it's weird though, i felt better after i snapped out. i kinda know now why some say we have to have one carefully chosen curse word to liberate oneself. it felt that way. too bad, i hurt my friend's feelings. but i was hurt too. some days, i just don't feel like taking all the jokes anymore. especially when its on me most of the time.

am i being irrational or just plain sensitive? i don't want to blame events or people for snapping out like one evil rat. maybe, i should just let it be that way. cause really things sometimes just sucks and you have to be some wunderkind to just breathe it all in.

credits to jessi for the pic.

you who never arrived

"..You who forever elude me.."

You Who Never Arrived

rainer maria rilke

You who never arrived
in my arms, Beloved, who were lost
from the start,
I don’t even know what songs
would please you. I have given up trying
to recognize you in the surging wave of the next
moment. All the immense
images in me – the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,
cities, towers, and bridges, and un-
suspected turns in the path,
and those powerful lands that were once
pulsing with the life of the gods –
all rise within me to mean
you, who forever elude me.

You, Beloved, who are all
the gardens I have ever gazed at;
longing. An open window
in a country house –, and you almost
stepped out, pensive, to meet me.

Streets that I chance upon, –
you had just walked down them and

vanished.
And sometimes, in a shop, the mirrors
were still dizzy with your presence and,

startled, gave back my too-sudden image.

Who knows? Perhaps the same
bird echoed through both of us
yesterday, separate, in the evening . . .

what if i fall in love?

credits to

a softer world

Inspirational

Don't date because you are desperate.

Don't marry because you are miserable.

Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.

Don't philander because you think youare irresistible.

Don't associate with people you canttrust.

Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.

Don't dictate because you are smarter.

Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you thinkyou are old enough & know better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.

Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.

Don't stagnate!Don't regress. Don't live in the past.

Time can't bring anything or anyone back.

Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.

Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.

Find a new friend.

Start a new career.

Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reachout to the homeless.

To feed your nurturing instincts, carefor the needy.

To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.

Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue yourpassions & be the best of what youcan be.

Simplify your life. Take awaythe clutter.

Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, anddangerous liaisons.

Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.

Be true to yourself. Don't commit when you are not ready.

Don't keep others waiting needlessly. Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.

Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.

Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry. Love Deeply. Walk barefoot. Dance with wild abandon. Cry at the movies. Take care of yourself.

Don't wait forsomeone to take care of you. You light up your life. You drive yourself to your destination.

No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.

It only gets more challenging. Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.

Pursue your passions. Live your dreams.

Don't lose faith in God.

Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is whythe greatest gift you can give to someone is your time. Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves.

God is good all the time!

awakening the spirit

over the weekend, i have decided to put a forgotten good habit back to life. its the string of not-so-good events that i have thoroughly contemplated that had me pondering of a perfect way out. maybe it was impending- these events lately that shook my world out of its boring daily orbit. i didn't expect it of course but as they say life is just a mirror and what we see out there, we must first see inside us. i'm am now putting things in perspective. and i'm starting with myself. as i have been too spun-out by the recent events, i have finally decided to die to myself. die. every chance i can get. to all my wants. and loves. to be no longer subject. to be indifferent.

for a whopping 3 minutes or so, this late in the afternoon, i have decided to own these words again. to arm me with life's disparity, i will die to myself and practice it in my ordinary day-to-day existence. because more often than not, I don't get what I want most out of life. *sniff*. and its sad. and it breaks me. and i want to move on. and get the best angie, my best self, out of or better, with this suffocating shell. and how do i do this?

the mortification of the body strengthens the spirit.

as a very pious and spiritual teen *sigh* (gone were the days), i lived up this very powerful words. i have read a good amount of spiritual memoirs, one of which was Sister Lucia's Memoirs, of Fatima. this tiny book has changed me *sigh again* for quite a while and taught me to suffer for Christ. it emphasized on the virtue of suffering which links us to Christ Triumphant. and i was amazed by which my beloved Lucia, Francisco and Jacinta mortified themselves for God. ordinary things mortified and done out of love made them stronger spiritually.

and the forgotten days will be back again ;)

now, i have no better goal than this. i will accept life as God wills it. and i am armouring myself with mortification and self-denial again because i know that to live in this world is to suffer. but to suffer like Christ is to gain perfection.

A Love

Pablo Neruda

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers
I ache from the perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice;
I have forgotten your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of you.
I live with pain that is like a wound;
if you touch me, you will do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me;
Because of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires:
shooting stars, falling objects.

i carry your heart with me

ee cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear

no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

jaded

i am sad. the whole day. hay.
what am i doing ? and what am i not doing?
and where the hell am i going?
lost na naman si angie!
can someone tell me the answer lest i morphed again into some freaking zombie.